Ogof Daren Cilau - Hard Rock Cafe Camp

Sunday March 29th 2026

Members present: Asher Goodwin,  Elliot Macinnes,  Elly Masteller,  Will Barlow

I must preface this report by saying that I am not discouraging anyone from doing this trip. I will, however, be naming just about every time that I cried during this trip because I thoroughly did NOT enjoy it. I am writing this report to prepare Daren Cilau’s next victims, as I was supremely underprepared for the journey to Hard Rock Cafe.

The first time I heard about Daren Cilau was about a year ago from (I think) Elliot, who had mentioned the 2 hour long entrance crawl. At this point, the only crawling I had done was some very minimal hands and knees crawling. Maybe some flat-out, but nothing to truly base an idea of what the Daren crawl would be like. Since then, I have been hoping to do a Daren trip, not realising at all what that would entail. Every squeeze, crawl, and flat-out shuffle I have done since hearing of this trip went into a file in my mind titled “Is this what Daren is like?” None of them are even close.

Onto the actual trip:
Selected victims were me, Asher, Will, Elliot. As we packed our dry bags and tacklesacks on Sunday morning I just kept thinking “What the hell have I signed up for, I don't want to do this.” Most of this thinking was me just being lazy and not wanting to do a difficult cave. The other part was me realising I hadn’t actually read any reports or full descriptions of the journey. I had no idea what I was in for, and I went anyway. I loaded up my tacklesack, which was lined with a 40L dry bag (which--spoiler--didn’t stay dry at all) and filled with the essentials including 20 granola bars and a large bag of my highly rated trail mix. I also had my sleeping bag in a smaller dry bag inside the large dry bag.

I have no idea what time we left the hut, and after a quick stop for lunch and last-minute snacks at Aldi, we were on our way. This is a great time to mention that I get very nauseous on caving mornings, mostly because my body hates adrenaline rushes. So I hadn’t really eaten much breakfast. I force fed myself an Aldi protein-filled rice bowl in the car, and hoped it would get me through the crawl. We arrived to the Chelsea and parked on a layby near there. I took some videos to make silly posts for social media and soon we were walking up the hill toward the old quarry wall. I had a pit in my stomach the whole time, but was being really brave about it.

I had seen a picture of the cave entrance. It truly is a hole in a wall and easily missed, but we found it first try, thanks to Elliot having already been there. Will went in first, then Asher. I steeled myself and followed Asher, with Elliot following behind me. Immediately I was fully laying in freezing cold water. Not five minutes in and I shouted back to Elliot that I couldn’t feel my hands they were so cold. We reached The Vice not too far in. Will squeezed his way through quickly, but Asher unfortunately got wedged into the wrong part. Not realising how stuck he truly was, I thought this was a great photo opportunity and got out my camera for a video. Apologies to Asher, who now has his struggle documented. I took off my tacklesack and pushed it through ahead of me and somehow managed to get through fairly easily. I left Elliot in the dust and sped up to catch Asher ahead of me.

I knew of the 8 radio boxes counting the journey toward the end of the entrance series. We reached the first few boxes surprisingly quickly. I stopped Will for a photo at the “Caution Runners” sign, before he continued. The next bits were a mixture of flat-out wiggles through freezing puddles, sideways thrutches with nothing to grab onto for leverage, and plenty of perfectly positioned rocks for our tacklesacks to get caught on. At this point, we were sopping wet, already worn out, and in a bit of pain. Once we got to box 5, we were reminded that the next bits were fairly easier. We were able to fully stand up at a few points, but most of it was stooping while carrying the tacklesack behind.

The final obstacle is the calcite squeezes. I bravely thought “This can’t get any worse.” Oh I was wrong. I decided I had had enough of my bag catching on everything, so I decided to push it through the final section. I did not realise how long I would have to do this, and my arms very quickly became tired. It took me a very long time to make it through the final bit, and I was so frustrated with my inability to push the tacklesack in front of me that I began to cry. This is the first cry, and sparked an instability for the rest of the trip. It was during this section that my right kneepad ripped open and I lost the inner foam padding. I called back to Elliot, who was able to find it and bring it with him. This did mean that I had to do the rest of the crawl with only one kneepad. After a final scream of “JUST F---- MOVE” to my tacklesack and brute-forcing it over a large rock, I emerged at box number 8, where Will and Asher were waiting. I stated “I am NOT going back through there” and I trudged my way over to a rock and fully broke down. Asher kindly comforted me while I composed myself. After Elliot emerged, he explained that, while Price’s Dig wasn’t as tight of an entrance, it is absolutely not easier than the crawl. We decided to confirm our exit path once our energy levels recovered, but tentatively decided that we would, in fact, be going back out through the crawl. I believe it took us between 2.5-3 hours? I could be wrong. Stupidly, I thought the crawl would take up most of the trip. Dear reader, the entrance crawl was not even a quarter of the way to camp.

I quite honestly don’t remember the next hour or so, as I was in between sobbing and just completely checked-out. I vaguely remember a few more crawls toward Jigsaw Passage, and with each one I cried a little bit more. I composed myself a bit by the time we got to The Wriggle. I threw myself into it, and ended up emerging on my back with my feet fully in the air. This lightened the mood a bit thankfully.

Will and Asher led the way, leading us to the Big Chamber Nowhere Near the Entrance. And let me tell you. It is Big and also Nowhere Near the Entrance. We found the log book and signed ourselves in. I was so unenthusiastic about being in this cave that I didn’t bother to go look at it. Instead, I handed my camera off to Asher to snap some pictures of it. We, unfortunately, didn’t get any photos of the inflatable Michael Jackson or anonymous blonde woman dolls there, but rest assured they are still there keeping guard.

Despite my best efforts to stay level headed, I remembered the upcoming ladder climb and began to cry yet again. Once we reached it, I opted to go second. Once Asher was safely to the top, I clipped into the belay. After some very deep breaths, I began to climb. The first section wasn’t too bad. It was a bit wiggly but nothing I couldn’t handle. Then came the shelf. At this point in the ladder, whoever had installed it decided that tilting a ladder sideways horizontally was sufficient enough to climb. Gravity doesn’t really agree with that line of thinking however, so the only way onward is to cling to whatever part of the ladder you can, trust the belay a little more than you probably should, and just hope you can get to the final, vertical, section. Climbing this took me a long time. I took a break about every 5 rungs to just breathe and whimper a bit. At the top, I heard Asher instructing me to clip my cowstails in, which I am grateful for because I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t remember how to safely get off the ladder and belay. At the top, I clipped to the traverse line and made my way to where Asher was sitting. Will passed off his belaying to Elliot, and soon Will joined us at the top.

At this point, it was time to haul the bags up the pitch. Asher found a few in-situ jammers and something called a duck I believe. This discovery was met with a joyous celebration from Will, as he hadn’t brought anything but a GriGri. Turns out none of the jammers had any teeth left, so Will had to haul the bags up by hand. This was incredibly impressive and I think he is the strongest person I’ve ever met. He set up the belay at the top, and Elliot soon met up with us. We decided that now was a great time for a bit of lunch. Elliot ate his bagged meal cold. He shared a bite with me, but it was such a repulsive texture that I nearly spit it right back out. I was still nauseous, so I settled for some granola bars, and hoped that would get me through to camp where I could have my hot meal. We packed back up and continued on.

At some point between the log book and White Passage (I have no idea the actual name of the chamber) I had a lovely use of the facilities, which might be the best cave piss I’ve had thus far. Definitely worth mentioning.

We traversed over the top of White Passage, which was the most comforting part, personally. It felt very similar to some Dales traverses, so I was more comfortable with this. When we reached the rope climbs down into White Passage, I (you guessed it) started to cry again. Climbing is always so scary to me. I’ve never been a confident climber, and on this day my confidence was at an all-time low. Elliot led the way down, and Asher followed. They both graciously agreed to catch my tacklesack, so I unclipped the hauling cord and sent it down before me. They coached me through the climb, at one point literally holding my welly in place because the foot holds were so slippery. This was terrifying, and I tried not to think about how I would be getting back up there on the return journey. Will fully sent himself down the climbs, scaring Asher as he swung out and completely disregarded the footholds. I had a little sit down before we started the “easier” final section toward camp. The clambering over boulders and through streams was a nice break from the squeezing and crawling. I had the energy to snap a few more photos at this point.

Breaking into Time Machine elicited an “OOOOOooooo” from all of us. I knew it was a large passage based on the survey, but truly this place was huge. Elliot pointed his light toward the ceiling to see the round holes up there, which was my favorite part. The reflectors through Time Machine were very helpful, because we were just hoping to make it to camp as soon as possible with very little off-route meanders.

Bonsai Streamway was also a welcome sight. It was nice to see some formations -- and to walk through a fairly easy streamway (though I kept slipping and having to break my fall on my hands, which made them very sore). I took a few more pictures and videos here, but truly had no more energy. Thankfully I had nearly stopped crying at this point, so I was in a better mood. We all celebrated when we saw the Daren Cilau Services road sign, as we knew we were so close to camp. We all desperately needed a wee, but more importantly we needed a water refill. We found the passage to the drinking water fall, but actually walked past the pipe at first and didn’t realise until we had reached Crystal Oxbow. We turned back and found the pipe with no water running out of it. Will wiggled it into the fall, and we had running water! We filled up bottles (I had forgotten mine, so I’d been sharing everyone else’s). Asher dropped the cap of Will’s bottle into the tiniest hole between rocks. We all tried our hardest to retrieve it, but this only pushed it further. We cut our losses and quickly walked the rest of Bonsai Streamway to the famed Daren Toilet -- aka: a hole in the wall with a stream running into it. This was also a celebrated moment.

After about 9.5 hours (I think) we finally FINALLY spotted a reflector marking Hard Rock Cafe. The banners and balloons made it feel slightly more inviting, but I was quite cold, exhausted, and dehydrated. Elliot scouted around for the least draughty sleeping area while Will and Asher retrieved some water to boil for dinners. Personally, I shivered on the make-shift couch and had yet another cry. Once our bags of camp food were sufficiently heated and consumed, we all retired to a small corridor off the main camp. We layered many roll mats and snuggled together side by side. I discovered that my thermals were soaking wet because my 40L dry bag didn’t stay dry at all. Thankfully I had put my sleeping bag inside another dry bag. It was still slightly damp, but would be good enough. I set out an emergency blanket just in case, stole Elliot’s spare thermals, and snuggled into my sleeping bag. I fell asleep to Elliot’s tales of the Berger.

He was very smart and brought flip flops to wear around camp. However, these flip flops were so loud to walk around in, that when he arose for a midnight meander, I awoke thinking there was a horse clomping down the passage. When he returned I asked him to grab the emergency blanket, as I was shivering quite severely. I snuggled between him and Asher, Asher gave me his electric hand warmer (which helped considerably), and I drifted off. I got up before our 8am alarm for the toilet. Naturally, once I had returned to the camp and settled back in, the alarm went off.

I started day 2 off with a nice morning cry and sat shivering in my emergency blanket that turned out to be a large bag. Once again, I was too nauseous to eat, but I managed to eat a protein bar while pacing around the camp while the others packed away the stove and their belongings. We begrudgingly left camp and began the return journey. Bonsai Streamway was a nice warm up, literally. After filling up bottles, we once again accidentally went back down to Crystal Oxbow, and had to turn around to continue up to Time Machine. The time flew by here honestly. This was a much better start to the journey than a crawl was, so I was feeling okay by the time we reached the rope climbs up to the traverse over White Passage.

Will went up the climbs first, as he had a sling that he thought would be a helpful foothold. I went up next, sending all of the bags up ahead of me. Will helped me through the climbs, which I correctly assumed would be more difficult on the way up. I also ripped open my other kneepad somewhere around this time, meaning that I would have to do the entrance crawl with very little padding on my knees. Aaannnnd this is where I started to cry again. But only for a little bit!! I ran off the adrenaline for the next few hours until we reached the top of the ladder climb once again. We stopped to set up the stove again, and thankfully my nausea cleared just long enough that I could eat an entire meal.

The ladder wasn’t as scary going down. The rope was stuck on a few bits of the ladder, so when Asher descended it, he had to untangle it. He was not thrilled about this. Also, due to the way Will had rigged the GriGri to belay, the rope didn’t reach the final few meters of the ladder. We clipped cows tails into the rungs for the final bit. Will, again lowered all of the bags by hand (truly so strong). Once everyone made it to the bottom we wasted no time in returning to the log book, with a stop to refill water on the way.

I finally got a glimpse of the log book at this time, but we didn’t stop for long. We pressed on to the next section and finally reached Jigsaw Passage. This was a welcome break from crawling over boulders, belly crawling, and climbing. We conquered The Wriggle once again. I, again, don’t remember much from between Jigsaw Passage and the beginning of the crawl. I had a small whimper at the idea of returning to the Calcite Squeezes, my sworn enemy. We stopped to refuel at Box 8. We also changed all of our batteries for a final time, as dealing with The Crawl with no light was not appealing to any of us.

Asher led us through the crawl, followed by me, then Will, then Elliot bringing up the rear again. I realized that I didn’t need to be army crawling through the freezing water and that I could actually just shimmy on one hand and one knee (I was still without proper kneepads at this point though, so I was in a considerable amount of pain). This kept me warmer through box 8-6. We managed to make it to Box 6 in 13 minutes. I eventually had to lay in the freezing cold water yet again, which set off my Final Cry. From this point to the exit there was no hope for me regaining control. So I used as much energy and anger that I could to push myself to the end.

The tacklesacks getting stuck was still the largest obstacle through the squeeze, so I founded a new rescue organisation, BRO -- Bag Rescue Organisation -- to release Asher’s bag from whatever rocks it had been jammed between. At the Vice, Asher pushed his bag through, which immediately fell into the small crevice at the bottom of the Vice and became stuck. Unable to remove it, we called behind to Will for some backup. He climbed over both me and Asher and managed to pull the bag free. He then decided to just move all the bags over him while he was already wedged in there. Will (The Bridge) Barlow then hauled each bag over himself while laying sideways. He would reach down to his wellies where Asher would place the next bag, and then dragged it up and over his face and in front of him. Absolute madman. This was incredibly helpful.

I went into The Vice too confident, as I had made it through easily on the way in. Well, I got jammed in, pretty severely. I definitely panicked and definitely did not make things easier for myself. With some really painful shoving of my elbows and knees into rocks, I finally pushed myself free. The journey from The Vice to the exit seemed endless, and with every turn of the passage I would peek my head through to try and spot the exit. Absolutely hyperventilating at this point, I turned the final corner and shouted “DAYLIGHT!!!!” I hauled myself through the final freezing puddles, and emerged in the small rocky well where the entrance is situated. I crawled up the small step to where Asher and Will were stood and threw myself at them with a very large weep. Asher sent me and Will off to the car to start getting changed and warm, but Elliot emerged soon behind me and they caught up quickly.

FINALLY we were out, and with the time change, we managed to catch the final few hours of daylight on Monday. Running on fumes, we took a few videos after our quest, and quickly got changed. Asher played Chappell Roan on the drive back to the SWCC. Everyone at the hut was glad to see us, and I got to show off the multitude of bruises I sustained from my lack of kneepads.

I will never do this trip ever again. Godspeed Daren Cilau, that was awful.